That is all I need, just 5 stinking minutes. It may be hard to see some days, but I really do try to see the glass half full. I do. But, this is getting a bit ridiculous! People say “God only gives you what you can handle”. Well, He must have me confused with someone else, because I AM AT MY END!!!!!
I will be honest, it’s not really that I can’t handle it, I can. Clearly, I have to. It is not an option to give up, or to lay down and say “I’m done”. The truth is that I DON”T WANT TO HANDLE IT!!!!!!!!! I would love to have a kicking, screaming tantrum at the feet of God. Now that would be fun.
Okay, I can hear your thoughts “Good God, what IS she talking about??” ( I know, sorry). So anyway, Here it is:
This weekend, my husband and I will be renewing our wedding vows. 12 years ago, as we stood in a church saying “for better or worse”, we could not have imagine how much our marriage would be tested so soon. We were 2 young, naive, kids eager to start our lives together. We did everything right, we paid off our debt, we bought a house, we each had a career and wanted desperately to have children ( okay I was desperate, and he was willing : ) ) Anyway, it wasn’t as easy as we thought it would be, but fast forward. We had twins. They tried to come at 28 weeks, but we stopped them. Then 12 weeks of bed rest, (6 in the hospital), and they were here, and they were healthy. Only 7 days in the NICU. We thought we had dodged the bullet then, and I guess we did; but now I am thinking maybe it was a boomerang because it sure did come back to hit us hard!!
So, now we have 4 kids 8 and under, so obviously we have had our share of sicknesses and ED visits, but in 2010 the shit really hit the fan. But, let’s be completely honest here, all the stuff that happened was benign (pun intended) I know a couple of people who have children fighting cancer and well, there are no words for what they go through.
That being said, the last 2 years have SUCKED. First it was my 3-year-old with a Staph infection so bad her airway was almost compromised…4 days in the hospital, then surgery for her, Diabetes for Matt, then seizures for Gavin and now Celiac.
I am SO sick of people telling me how strong I am! NEWS FLASH: I AM NOT!!!!! I wake up daily wishing God thought I was weak! One time when Matt had his diagnosis some one said “If you took all the problems in the world and put them in a big pile, you would take yours back”. Uh, no…I would hide Diabetes at the bottom so no one else would get it either and I would take the friggen dead cat!!
So life throws us this crap, God or not…I can’t decide…but if He is there, I dare Him…just give me 5 minutes. I have a lot to say, and lots of questions. Who’s with me?? Maybe if we start a posse, He will listen!!!!